the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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