I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
