Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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