I heard we made out
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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