My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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