so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
