Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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