If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
