I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
