ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
