someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
