And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
