hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
