Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
