I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
