He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Less talking, more tequila
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
