Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pooping to opera.
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