i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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