She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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