I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
