She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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