i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
