Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
