I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I could have mohawked her pubes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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