when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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