Betty ford says i'm here all night
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
