Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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