So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
