Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
