I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
