Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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