I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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