I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
