You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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