I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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