She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We have started to decorate penises.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
