i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
