I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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