i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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