You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My dick has a subreddit
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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