I could make wine with my vomit
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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