Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
