I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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