he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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