you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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