best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
