I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
