Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
from now on my penis is your penis
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
