Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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