I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
