i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
is that a dick in a sweater?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
