i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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