I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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