Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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