I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Pants are for mortals
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
