Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
