last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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