May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
