im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
