Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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