took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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