I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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