i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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