3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
